FOREWARD...
Journal Entry - Dec 03, 2005
I don’t believe in myself.
I first became conscious of this a few years ago when I had nowhere to live for 9 months except my office. I slept under my desk at an angle to avoid the security guards flashlight through my reception window and had to sprint down the hall in my pyjamas and lock the women’s bathroom door to take a shower.
I wrote There is nothing more disheartening than to not believe in something and soul destroying when that something is you.
The last time I needed to believe in myself was when I left my family. I’d had a long history of suicidal depression and knew I had to leave (and sort myself out) or I would die.
When we were on holiday in the South Island, on the last day, in Nelson, I announced that I was going to do something I’d wanted to do ever since I was 6 years old.
A skydive.
I was nervous when I made the phone call but everything from that moment felt like a dream. It felt so good and right that even after I was back on ground I floated for weeks.
Upon reflection, it occurred to me that not everyone could do what I’d just done, so maybe I could do, well, anything!
Not long after we returned, I moved out of the family home.
My (ex) husband wrote in a card I would rather have an alive best friend than a dead wife and let me go gracefully but not everyone was so understanding and I was ostracised from all our friends and the groups I belonged to for leaving my children.
Back then there seemed to be a lot of good reasons for doubt in myself.
Now there are none.
I’ve overcome drug, alcohol and gambling addictions, depression, an obsessive compulsive disorder and potential bankruptcy, all on my own and now I am mentally, emotionally and financially sound, and spiritually strong.
So now feels like the right time to start the Belief Assignment, therefore, I've taken a Kong sized leap of faith and paid for tickets to Japan next year.
On the 28th of April, I fly to Japan and start a two month, 88 temple, 1200km pilgrimage around the island of Shikoku.
Walking.
By myself.
When I told my boss about it he said “It sounds like it might be one of the most important things you ever do in your life, so take whatever time you need to finish it”.
The support and encouragement I have received so far is overwhelming and I started secretly fantasising that I might even be able to do it - which stopped abruptly tonight when I worked out my budget.
Let’s just say I will have only slightly more Yen than sense...
The Saint...
So I saved all the money I could, a few friends and family gave me contributions and off I set.
In the week before I left I kept thinking 'What the feck have I got myself into?' The reality of walking 1200 kms, by myself, in a foreign country hit home with a whumpf - you know that falling feeling in dreams?
My brother, whom I will always think of as The Saint, came with me to Christchurch 10 days before I left and paid for me to have Lasik Eye Surgery.
It really is a miracle procedure. Not only was it painless but I could see even as I got off the operating table and could only wonder at why I didn't get it done sooner.
Of course I knew why I didn't get it done sooner! Fear of having my eyeballs sliced and scraped by a strange man in a green paper suit.
Now I say to anyone who shows interest - You haven't got a moment to lose!
So my new eyes and I set off for our big adventure.
It was exciting until I got to Tokyo Train Station - then I felt like I hit a brick wall. At least in a country like Finland one can make out letters. In Japan everything is intelligible hieroglyphics!! I couldn't even work out where the bathrooms were, so, can you imagine me trying to get an any-vehicle-will-do ticket to Osaka?
Let’s just say on the third day I got a paralysing case of Culture Shock and I couldn't remember seeing that particular clause in my travel insurance. Luckily I had another form of insurance - contact with my family and friends. Through their texts and emails, I was able to stumble through the confusion and carry on.
From there things got manageable. I still got frustrated but only 10 times a day instead of a minute. I tried out different demographics to see who were the most probable English speakers and got slicker at getting help...
Writing this account might be the (second) most ludicrous thing I've ever done and I am sure to be misunderstood, misquoted or sued, so, even though there are many fantastic websites and blogs and books dedicated to the Pilgrimage, I felt it would be wrong of me not to share my experiences too,
But then, if I had read this, I might not have set off at all...
In the week before I left I kept thinking 'What the feck have I got myself into?' The reality of walking 1200 kms, by myself, in a foreign country hit home with a whumpf - you know that falling feeling in dreams?
My brother, whom I will always think of as The Saint, came with me to Christchurch 10 days before I left and paid for me to have Lasik Eye Surgery.
It really is a miracle procedure. Not only was it painless but I could see even as I got off the operating table and could only wonder at why I didn't get it done sooner.
Of course I knew why I didn't get it done sooner! Fear of having my eyeballs sliced and scraped by a strange man in a green paper suit.
Now I say to anyone who shows interest - You haven't got a moment to lose!
The Saint and my New Eyes the day after the transformation...
____________________________________________
So my new eyes and I set off for our big adventure.
It was exciting until I got to Tokyo Train Station - then I felt like I hit a brick wall. At least in a country like Finland one can make out letters. In Japan everything is intelligible hieroglyphics!! I couldn't even work out where the bathrooms were, so, can you imagine me trying to get an any-vehicle-will-do ticket to Osaka?
Let’s just say on the third day I got a paralysing case of Culture Shock and I couldn't remember seeing that particular clause in my travel insurance. Luckily I had another form of insurance - contact with my family and friends. Through their texts and emails, I was able to stumble through the confusion and carry on.
From there things got manageable. I still got frustrated but only 10 times a day instead of a minute. I tried out different demographics to see who were the most probable English speakers and got slicker at getting help...
Writing this account might be the (second) most ludicrous thing I've ever done and I am sure to be misunderstood, misquoted or sued, so, even though there are many fantastic websites and blogs and books dedicated to the Pilgrimage, I felt it would be wrong of me not to share my experiences too,
But then, if I had read this, I might not have set off at all...
Pounamu (given to me by my dear friend Mike)
Pikoura - Friendship and Co-operation. Working together. Growth.
The harmonius interweaving of lives in family, relationships, and friendship.
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