Belief 101


Journal Entry - Dec 03, 2005

I don’t believe in myself.

I first became conscious of this a few years ago when I had nowhere to live for 9 months except my office. I slept under my desk at an angle to avoid the security guards flashlight through my reception window and had to sprint down the hall in my pyjamas and lock the women’s bathroom door to take a shower.
I wrote There is nothing more disheartening than to not believe in something and soul destroying when that something is you.

The last time I needed to believe in myself was when I left my family. I’d had a long history of suicidal depression and knew I had to leave (and sort myself out) or I would die.

When we were on holiday in the
South Island, on the last day, in Nelson, I announced that I was going to do something I’d wanted to do ever since I was 6 years old.  
A skydive. 
I was nervous when I made the phone call but everything from that moment felt like a dream. It felt so good and right that even after I was back on ground I floated for weeks.
Upon reflection, it occurred to me that not everyone could do what I’d just done, so maybe I could do, well, anything!
Not long after we returned, I moved out of the family home.
My (ex) husband wrote in a card I would rather have an alive best friend than a dead wife and let me go gracefully but not everyone was so understanding and I was ostracised from all our friends and the groups I belonged to for leaving my children.

Back then there seemed to be a lot of good reasons for doubt in myself.

Now there are none.
I’ve overcome drug, alcohol and gambling addictions, depression, an obsessive compulsive disorder and potential bankruptcy, all on my own and now I am mentally, emotionally and financially sound, and spiritually strong.

So now feels like the right time to start the Belief Assignment, therefore, I've taken a Kong sized leap of faith and paid for tickets to Japan next year.
On the 28th of April, I fly to Japan and start a two month, 88 temple, 1200km pilgrimage around the island of Shikoku.
By myself.
When I told my boss about it he said “It sounds like it might be one of the most important things you ever do in your life, so take whatever time you need to finish it”.

The support and encouragement I have received so far is overwhelming and I started secretly fantasising that I might even be able to do it - which stopped abruptly tonight when I worked out my budget.
Let’s just say I will have only slightly more Yen than sense...

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