The feelings that were coursing through me were surreal - as if I was someone else watching me. The outrageous adventures (that I dearly crave a year to fill out and give meaning, feeling and texture) already seemed like last year, yet I still wasn't finished. My body was on hyper alert, knowing it had a few more days it had to function through.
Had I really done it?
Had I really been through all that I had in a little over three weeks, half a world away from my tiny country?
How did this happen?
Having inherited a tendency to dream, it was almost frightening to have lived and breathed reality and I now knew it was fortunate that I didn't have time to relax or think too much about what I was doing - I feel sure the self-sabotage that threatened a few times would have won, and I would have returned to an unrequited life that might not have been able to accomodate even dreams any longer.
The magnitude of the very thing I set out to do, to achieve something outrageous in order to believe in myself, was starting to sink in and make my breath shallow and short. Now I had no excuses. Not only that, because I had been so open about why I had been doing it, now there were also expectations. What would I do next? How would this affect me and what profound effect was this going to have on my future?
The feeling was similar to when my brother, The Saint, offered to support me once when I had an exciting business concept that I had sold to everyone including myself, but had used the excuse that I didn't have the money to go ahead with it. When he set up and automatic payment of way-more-than-enough money to go into my account every week, suddenly I was faced with having to go through with my brilliant idea.
I remember getting off the phone from him, feeling elated like I had won Lotto then saying Oh Fuck! What do I do NOW?!
Obviously my subconscious knew I wasn't ready to make one of my zillion dreams a reality and the same week I was to open my business, I got offered the job at the Film Company and was able to be financially responsible for myself again.
What if I went home and did nothing more?
What if my strength and new found realisations about myself went beige and faded away?
What if I was presented with something bigger than the Pilgrimage?
Come to the edge he said
They said - we are afraid
Come to the edge he said
They did
He pushed them
And they flew...
Guillaime Appolonairre
And what if what I had done worked only in alienating me from my surreality at home? Not fitting here but no longer fitting there?
I was reminded of something I read a few years ago written by Joe Jaworski...
“Finally, the quest accomplished, we return with the elixir for the restoration of society. It is difficult to leave the bliss of the final stages of the journey, a state of high adventure, to return to the long forgotten place from which we first came, where people who are fractions of themselves, imagine themselves to be complete. Upon returning, it is hard to take the return blow of reasonable queries, hard resentment, and good people at a loss to comprehend. And we are returning only to prepare to journey forth once more”.
Syncronicity – The Inner Path of Leadership - Page 120
All I knew at this stage was that despite all my proficient and effective self sabotage mastery, I had completed what I set out to do despite myself and, right now, I had to remain focussed on tying up the remaining threads before I could fall apart and unravel if that was what my body demanded to compensate for going against everything I had so carefully trained it to do...
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